Sunday, October 28, 2007 | 11:51 PM
Merhaba is hello in Turkish. Dinner is at a six star hotel. The art is quiet on the walls. The food is new and the people speak bad English.
At the table they do not clear my plates fast enough. I smile once when the ice cream man entertains me. I watch eyes bore into plates and hands come up to knead brows. I watch eyes watch eyes.
We walk around an entire basement because we cannot find the car. People blame each other so that they can have something to talk about.
In the car I look out of the window. In the car I feel nothing but desolate. In the darkness you only see shadows. In the darkness people argue.
At a familiar estate I see an aeroplane. The aeroplane is hovering low, about to land. I say it looks like a car.
When I am sad I move really slowly. It’s like the world is rushing by and there is no more blood in my body but tar instead. I cannot move any faster.
When I am sad I lock myself in my room and dim the lights; put the music on and close my eyes till the tears come.
When they are gone and sleep takes over, I give in just so my heart can repair itself for tomorrow.
Friday, October 26, 2007 | 12:23 AM
so this guy (see below) is pissed/does not want to talk to me anymore
cos i said his images are a tad cliche
well they were.
and dude you asked for my opinion if you can't handle it don't ask.
it's not my fault it wasn't as good as the previous one.
aaaanyway.
wednesday i was in this cab on the way to school and the cabbie had BAD BO.
i stepped into the cab i was like
PHWOAR.
bombarded.
i held my nose the whole ride and the times i actually breathed i just wondered how the smell could possibly permeate the whole cab. it was like a huge turnoff.
not that anything else is a turn on but it was just.
nauseating.
i was utterly flabbergasted.
05V11 class outing tmr. or shall we say later on today.
yay i'm excited. haven't been out with the class for ages.
miss all of them lots and subway too.
though it looks like i'm gonna be watching woodcock.
well.
lets hope its a good laugh.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007 | 11:26 PM
today i met this guy called john who is a lit teacher in
and so he asked to see my poetry and i said what would you like to read and he said
choose your favourite and i'm like. that's crazy.
but anyway i open a folder and i see a poem and i show him.
lush
We bend over and hunch up like mimosas
Us grazing skin and closing,
Your knee curving into my back,
Burning a soft shape, casting wet cement,
Warm like candle wax.
I have no legs.
And I can smell your aftershave on my cheek.
Mint and a rush of body heat
aggravate this surface tension.
You have carved with your hands
something beautiful.
Yours is a kind of smooth wood,
Mine is a canvas.
A kiss is a firm lush wet one.
And then I realise I wrote it exactly a year ago. And I feel like.
This is so cool! This is a sign! Because he says it’s very publishable, although he thinks it’s better if the last line is just as subtle as the rest of the poem.
But anyway, it made my day
(:
And oh. I got the offer for H3 Lit. I had a nice literary day.
Sunday, October 21, 2007 | 3:11 PM
we should stamp out racism. it makes people ugly.
i firmly believe:
those who can't do, teach. and those who can't teach, teach PE
especially true in VJC aka Victoria Junior College
and no i'm not afraid to let anyone see this cos it's a fact.
anyway
i realise i have lost the drive to blog.
it's a bit like writer's block,
and my notebook is being left untouched.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007 | 2:48 AM
it's times like these when you feel like you are ready to just
die.
you know like freaking collapse, lie down and end it all.
it's like your body is just.
falling apart, just like the rest of your life.
you know?
how you are like buckling under the weight of it all,
and how you seem to be holding up the world for everyone else,
and wondering
how come other people don't have to go through the shit you do.
it's being frustrated and worried and like, having your stomach churn at 2 am,
it's eating shit food day after night and night after day
having not enough food,
having no time to eat.
and where do people get time to do other things
because if you ask me
it is not fking fair at all
that some people slog their fking guts out
and some people just lack the drive/initiative to make sure that they do their best
or at least make sure they do not produce shit
but what the hell
this is the world isn't it.
but don't you fking get it
it is just so bloody irritating when like
i give 100% and and and
URGH.
i think it is just so unfortunate that you have no idea how
how hard i am working
it is just bloody tragic
that it is like 2.25 am
and i kiss sleeping soon goodbye
that some people
JUST DON'T GET IT
and to be honest
i don't even know why i am giving so much of myself
like like like
this is the only thing that matters
and i can't see why everyone else doesn't think so
Two can be as bad as One, it's the loneliest number since the number One
- and yeah i totally agree.
haven't we been this way for damn long now
and i feel like i can't fking take it anymore!
sometimes i feel so sick that i just want to puke
and cover my head with my hands
and be so still that my heart will stop beating
and i don't want to get up i don't want to get up at all
oh my go*
it's like
i'm crumpling into an ash heap
everything about me is shrivelling up.
and if i pull through
tell me i made it
Saturday, October 13, 2007 | 2:09 PM
pw pw pw pw pw pw pw pw pw pw pw
wr wr wr wr wr wr wr wr wr wr wr wr
op op op op op op op op op op op op op
i just can't wait for this to be over
i think my life has been shortened by ten years
better go and check how much more white hair i have
i always feel stressed when people tell me i look tired and stressed and all that
it's like i shrink further into the consuming hunched up exhaustion
it makes me feel like a hundred
pw is really like WTF
the best thing is that its a group effort
watched nanny diaries on thursday and it was bad bad bad
i think they ran out of schedule or something because it actually started out well
the concept and filming techniques were quite fresh
(speaking of which, i got full marks for my video!
YAY)
i don't even think it was a chick flick
it was just some cliche nonsense
and last night was the timbre gathering with the segment girls
it was quite fun
pizza was very very good
dawn was like on remote
once a new pizza came out she would shoot there
and she kept asking me to get fresh with the bartender
(who was quite hot anyway)
so we could get the whole pizza
but then i went home and i was SUPER hungry :(
which was what happened on thursday also
and last night when i was changing i saw my ribs through the skin of my back
*shudder*
and dawn says eee leanne i can see your collarbone
oh well, saves me the running i guess
anyway i passed my maths. first time in like. three years? HAHAHA
i think i could have done better though
my tutor says well that's a start
and i went to 2 art coursework exhibitions over the past 2 days
rj and tj
my favourite at rj was the lips and my favourite at tj was the reflections one
i think tj is really really good
too bad i didnt go for the hwachong one
too tired and i had wr to do, so
tonight i shall have a nice dinner (a proper meal! finally!)
to celebrate all the women in my family's birthdays
how very coincidental
and then it shall be the first night i will not touch pw
because it has taken over my life and i must fight it
anyway we should all listen to hiphop when we are stressed cos its the best
its so guilty pleasure indulging
it just makes you want to bob your head and sing-a-long
but then zakir shouldn't sing beautiful girls
not in real life, not on the phone
cos it makes me suuuiiiiicidal suuuuiiiicidal
(actually i AM already suicidal)
cos he needs to learn to keep to the friggin tune
and once again, wr beckons
it really scares the hell out of me when i suddenly realise there was something we missed out
or like we are short of something
or anything like that
i just cannot be at rest and at peace
and it is eating at me like
a grape
:(
Sunday, October 07, 2007 | 9:52 PM
It is alkali on tongue, it is
the trace of dishwashing liquid
remnant on a cup
the pause of water in a mouth
and the final decision to let it pass
and typing
verse on the keyboard
amidst the soft vibrations of electro